Coffeypot

Control Tower / Pilot Communications

2012-02-25T17:27:00.000-05:00

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this....I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Funny Posters! At Least I Thought So

2012-02-24T11:46:00.000-05:00

For those of you who care, I stopped the word verification thing. However, if I start getting a bunch of spam, I am going to forward them to y’all. If I remember how…

As for remembering, and any hints of growing old, some you will identify with these little posters, the rest of you, your time is coming…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

$20 Dollars

2012-02-23T10:23:00.002-05:00

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the Bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex. These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut

Remember:

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected

WTF Is Going On?

2012-02-22T16:01:00.000-05:00

Unlike this lady, it seems I do not have any hidden talents when it comes to posting comments on your sites. I don’t know what’s up with my blog or my blogging skills. It has been close to a year now that I have been unable to post from YouTube or links to other blogs. This sucks.

But now I am having trouble posting comments on some blogs. Not all, just a few. Middle Child’s blog will not let me post. Navy One only gets a few of them, but not all. WTF, folks?

I type in a humorous yet aptly appropriate and thought provoking comment and hit enter. Some ask for the word verification (and that seems to have changed, too) some don’t, but either way I see the comment post. The message at the top says it has posted. I believe it. Why would it lie to me? Yet when I return to the main page, the comment is gone. Nowhere! Not There! Like It Never Was!

You blocking me?

I looked in the mirror to make sure I was holding my mouth just right. I made sure my hands were clean. I have muttered a prayer to the blogging gods, but it doesn’t work. Some of you will just not let me comment. (I hear some of you saying that’s a blessing…Fuck You. Shut It!)

I do not want to go the Google Help (oxymoron) if I can help it. I trust you, my experienced blogger pals. What say you?

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

2012-02-18T20:25:00.001-05:00

I know y’all have been wondering how someone my age can still have sex. I know you have been, but you are just too polite to ask. It’s okay! I don’t mind you asking. In fact, I will tell you…

It revolves around a system I discovered while I was deep in my continuous search for tips to improve YOUR life. So without further ado I give you the fruit of my findings. Plus, if you are not sure you are growing old, I have some tips to help you decide.

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

And the tips to help you decide if you are OLD…

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN…...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
‘Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

When Men And Women Drink

2012-02-17T22:18:00.002-05:00

You know the old saying, Men Are From Mars and Women Are A Bitch To Live With. In short, there are many differences between us...especially when we drink a weeee tad toooo much.

Proof of that claim:

I rest my case!!!

Back At It

2012-02-17T16:21:00.001-05:00

Sorry I haven’t been around lurking and commenting lately. I have been as busy as a one-armed paper hanger with the hives.

On Wednesday I drove down to The Varsity in Atlanta for my fix of chili dogs and the high school meeting we have every other month. This year is my 50 high school reunion, too. Amazing! And the majority of the class is still with us. Some more than others, but still among the living.

This time we had around 125 alum’s from the 40’s through 1965. There are a great group of people and we always have fun visiting with each other. Most of the guys are Nam vets or Nam era vets. Plenty of war stories abound – mingled in with old high school stories. We were a hardy bunch (if you can believe all the stories.) Of course I just listen because I was a well behaved, church going, Baptist raised young man. Why they keep trying to put my name in their stories is beyond me.

The lady above is Nancy. She was a couple of years behind me and had a terrible crush on me…and I didn’t know it. I thought she was just being friendly because I was a senior…that kind of thing. She is one of my besties now, and I always enjoy seeing her at these events. She is also one of my BFF’s on Facebook, too.

This picture is a group from the 50’s. Lloyd, squatting down for the picture was my brother, Jim’s, best friend and the two ladies were BFF’s with my sister, Mary. Age has only slowed us down just a little. I mean, do they look like thy are in their 70's? Didn't think so, either.

After leaving the Varsity I drove over to Smyrna and checked into a motel for the night. But since I had only had three hours sleep the night before, I passed out around three p.m. and slept till ten p.m. I then went to get a bite to eat and came back just in time to fall asleep around 11:30. Why am I sleeping so much lately? I never use to sleep much. I guess all those missed hours are coming back disguised as makeup naps now.

Why get a motel room? It is a 100 mile drive from the Coffeypot to the Varsity and I had to be back in the area on Thursday to take David to a couple of doctor visits. The motel was cheaper than the cost of gas for the 200 mile turn around, so I decided to stay in the area.

David is doing much better, and using a walker and a cane. He still has a few months or rehab to go before he can to go work again, but he is determined to make it. We also got to have a great lunch between doctor visits. We went to one of his favorite restaurants. He hadn’t been there since last June and really missed the place. I use to go there (Vittles in Smyrna) back in the day when I was single and living in the area. Great vegetables and sweet iced tea. The place has change a little. Like, the door I use to go in is now the smoking side. David was feeling a little pain so we stayed on that side. But believe me, it is hard to eat while holding your breath.

Anyupdate, after I let David at his house, I had to drive to Villa Rica to get the grand-kids. They have Friday and Monday off, so we get them for a long weekend. Insert Snoopy Happy Dance here. That also adds another 50 miles to the return trip, too. And J-Man had his girlfriend over for a late Valentine dinner, so I had to wait for him. I then took his sweetie home (they are so meant for each other) before leaving. We set out around nine p.m. and got home at eleven o’clock. Eleven oh one I was looking that he back side of my eyelids.

I’m getting too old for this stuff. But what else have I got to do? The good things is I’m not in my chair with the laptop in my lap. So I guess it’s good.

Carry on!

Lines To Make You Smile

2012-02-14T00:09:00.000-05:00

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

More Idiot Sightings

2012-02-13T14:35:00.000-05:00

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00. I said "May I have large bills, please."

I'm sorry sir; all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her...

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.”

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
In Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, ’This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah? NO!
Lee - A? NOPE!
Lay - a? NO!
Lei? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, MO. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha."

When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "The dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...and THEY VOTE!

Another Fish Story

2012-02-13T07:22:00.000-05:00

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, "Dude, you can’t have sex and your weekend's shot - you might as well go fishing."

A Fishy Story

2012-02-12T14:34:00.000-05:00

A woman goes into a Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes, there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

10 Ways To Say I LOVE YOU

2012-02-11T14:00:00.000-05:00

Guys, Valentine is just around the corner and we need to be thinking of that special someone. One of the ways is to tell your lady that you love them. But you do not have to just say it in English. There are many ways to say it. Just a reminder, Peeps, that we are never too old to learn and continue to be polite to others.

How to say, ‘I Love You’ in 10 Languages

Spanish - Te Amo
French - Je T'aime
German - Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Ni
Swedish - Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian - As Tave Meliu

California – Talking to self in mirror
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia - Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

You’re welcome.

The Mouse's Birthday

2012-02-09T01:29:00.004-05:00

Carl, J-Man, Bug and Marni

Last night, in 1966, at around midnight, my then wife woke me up and told me her water had broken and she was in labor. We called the doctor and he said not to worry until the pains were, like, five minutes apart before heading to the hospital. So I went back to sleep. I know…shut it.

The reason I wasn’t worried and acting like the fool you see on television, was because my mom came from a family of 17 and my wife was the baby of 15. Everyone told me that things would be ‘easy’ as birthing was a natural thing in her family. What did I know. I had just figured out how she got pregnant in the first place.

Anylabor, at three in the morning she woke me up again and we headed to the hospital. We set for a half hour before they would check her in, and, when they did, I was dismissed. Men were not allowed to be part of the birthing stuff back in ’66.

So I walked across the street and ate breakfast, called the family, went to the fathers waiting room and went back to sleep. Shortly there after her sister showed up and made me talk to her all morning.

Around two in the afternoon the nurse came and called me back into a hallway where my wife was lying on a stretcher with a face-mask thing on a bottle of something for the pain in her hand and she was sucking on that thing like she was enjoying it. I got to talk to her for about fifteen minutes. There was a row of beds lined up in the hall with women in labor…but I couldn’t go into the delivery room. So I had to go back to the fathers waiting room and listen to her sister jabber on.

Every now and then a nurse would come out and tell me everything was going just fine. I finally told her not to come back unless she had my baby (didn’t know the sex) with her. So a few hours later the nurse stuck her head in and called my name. There in a glass bassinet was the most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. Naked just as she came in the world with an ugly thing on her belly. I started to ask the nurse what that slug looking thing was when my daughter opened her eyes and looked at me. I was speechless (never happened sense.) All I could say was, "Well, I'll be..."

I wanted to grab her and hold her and talk to her and all kind of silly shit that dads do with their first baby, but I couldn’t. It was forbidden.

My wife was in the hospital for three days, and I still couldn’t hold my baby. I even had to leave the room when feeding times came around. I could only see her through the glass partition at the baby viewing station.

When it came time to take them home, they were wheeled out to the car and the nurse held her until my wife could get in the car. I did not get to hold my baby girl (Marni) until we got home and I carried her into the house. Left my wife in the car. Pissed her off...not the first time...nor the last...

She has been my baby girl from that day on. My dad gave her the moniker of Mouse Of The House and she had been called Mouse or Mousie ever since. She is even getting a tattoo of a mouse soon.

And the thing is, she has constantly filled me with awe as much as she did when she first opened her eyes. Her schooling, her band experiences, her college, and her earning her Masters Degree, and her success at work, her marriage to one of the finest men I know…and the two grand-kids she gave me has made me proud. She is funny and laughs at everything (I think she got that from the mailman) and appreciates beauty and loves entirely.

She is an amazing young woman and I am so lucky to have been her dad.

Happy Birthday, Mouse.

The Liebster Award

2012-02-09T00:32:00.001-05:00

***NOTE*** I just got a second one from the Mud Puppy over at <a href="http://onemp.blogspot.com/"> Embrace The Suck </a>. One of the best mil blogs and post mil bolgs around.

One of my favorite blogger reads is a Mustang (Navy Officer who started out as an enlisted man – much better type officer than The Boat School Boys) blogger called Navy One who is over at <a href="http://themellowjihadi.com"> The Mellow Jihadi</a> sent me this award.

The Liebster Award

Like N1, I don’t know what this award is for and why I am receiving it…unless, like I stated on his blog, it is a formal Navy way of saying Shit List – of which I was a constant member back in the day.

As with any of the awards there are rules to follow. And those of you who have followed me for any length of time know that I do not follow rules very well. Anyregulation, the rules of are as follows:

1. Copy and paste the award on our blog.
2. Link back to the blogger who gave us the award.
3. Pick our five favorite blogs with fewer than 200 followers, and leave a comment on their blog to let them know they have received the award.
4. Hope that the five blogs chosen will keep spreading the love and pass it on to five more blogs.

I have linked back to N1 (if the fucking thing works. I have been having trouble adding links and downloading videos from YouTube, etc.) But this is where rules and I have a problem. I have way too many peeps to pick out just five, regardless of the size of their blogs. I never chose one of you over the other.

So all of you are all whole heartedly awarded this thing…if it is something other than a shit list. If it is a shit list, then disregard this award. And if any of you figure out what it really is, please let me know.

Thank you, I think, N1.

Two Little Kids...

2012-02-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room --- the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up. Then they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

THINGS THAT HALLMARK DON'T SAY CARDS

2012-02-05T16:42:00.001-05:00

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
Someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After having met you …
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ...
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
It's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
Something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
It's really good pay.

Ready For The Super Bowl

2012-02-05T01:51:00.001-05:00

I'm ready for the Super Bowl...Bring'em On!!!

The US Navy's Black History

2012-02-05T00:32:00.002-05:00

In 1976, America and Canada designated February as Black History Month. This is my contribution.

With all the hoopla over the Red Tails, the Army Air Corps all black airmen from the Tuskegee Institute (see above) who flew with distinction during WWII, I thought the Navy needed to be represented, too.

The Navy only had two ships with a mostly all black crew. The CO’s and XO’s were white and, at the beginning, a few white senior NCO’s. As the black sailors became more proficient in their rates (jobs) and received promotions, the crew finally became all black. These were also the first back men to advance in rates other than Stewards and Cooks.

The two ships were the USS Mason DD529, a Destroyer Escort, the first to have an all-black crew,

and the USS PC1264, a small ship designated as a Sub Chaser.

Not all service ships had names assigned to them during WWII. Thus the PC1264 hull number was how she was known.

Both ships came on line and served toward the end of the war and were used as convoy escort. They each made several crossings and ported in Ireland and England.

After the war the Mason was used as a reserve training ship before being sold and scrapped, and the 1264 was sold and scrapped in 1945.

Both ships received accolades for their service for their braver and proficiency from the Merchant Marine and Navy Cargo ships the protected, but the men did not received the proper recognition by historians for their service until the 1990’s.

After the war, the Navy went back to a segregated unit until President Truman integrated the service.

So I am giving a hand salute to the men who served and protected their country and did not receive the recognition they deserved. Hardly! They came home to the same bigotry they faced before they entered the service.

Some Quotes and Other Useless Stuff

2012-02-03T16:15:00.000-05:00

I have nothing to do today so I found you some useless stuff and a few quotes.

“I’m tweeting to let you know I just posted on Facebook that I blogged about posting tweets on Facebook.” – John Coffey

“Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.” – Mel Brooks

“As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don’t” – Carrie Fisher

“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.” – Katharine Hepburn

“No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.” – Dave Barry

Now, some useless information:

The Chicago Public School System requires blind students to take driver education classes.

In March of 2008, a man called Howard Stern’s satellite radio show to report that he thought he’d almost met him a few days earlier. It seems that while on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, the man spotted a tall person with long, dark, frizzy hair getting out of a limo. Believing it to be Stern, the man rushed over yelling “Yo, Howard, I am such a huge fan!”

When the person turned around, the man saw that it was Cher.

“You though I was Howard Stern?” Cher yelled back. “What did you have for breakfast this morning, a bowl of stupid?”

Only 2% of Americans are Natural Redheads.

Disneyland has a regulation-size basketball court for employees…inside the Matterhorn.

Groundhog Day comes from an early European celebration called CANDLEMAS – the day when clergymen blessed all the church candles – held every February 2^nd, right between the winter solstice and the spring equinox. Over the years the practice took on a superstitious component: If the sun shone on Candlemas, winter would supposedly continue. But if it was cloudy or rainy, winter was over.

Sometime before the 1800’s th Germans added a hedgehog to the mix (I don’t know – the're Germans for Christ sake) and if the hedgehog cast a shadow, winter would continue. If he didn’t cast a shadow, spring was on the say.

In the 19^th century, the German immigrants brought the tradition with them to Pennsylvania. But there were no hedgehogs to be found so they improvised and used the groundhog instead.

Army Slang: American troops in Iraq call every day of their tour “Groundhog Day.” Same-o, Same-o – like the movie.

And for you trivia buffs, what are the names of Donald Duck’s parents? I know, right? But rest assured, I will leave no one hanging. Through diligent copying of the source (a daily calendar) I have the answer for you, my Peeps.

Hortense and Quackmore

How Much?

2012-01-31T12:18:00.000-05:00

The other day I was talking with an old pal and a question came up.

Let me explain.

"YA KNOW, WHEN I WAS 25 AND GOT A HARD-ON, I COULDN'T BEND IT WITH BOTH HANDS.

BY THE TIME I WAS 50, I COULD BEND IT ABOUT 10 DEGREES IF I TRIED REAL HARD.

BY THE TIME I WAS 60, I COULD BEND IT 20 DEGREES, NO PROBLEM.

I'M GONNA BE 70 NEXT WEEK, AND I CAN BEND IT IN HALF WITH JUST ONE HAND."

"SO, WHAT'S YOUR POINT?" My pal asked.

"WELL, I'M JUST WONDERING HOW MUCH STRONGER AM I GONNA GET?

The Eyes Tell It All

2012-01-30T12:22:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, I am not a very religious man. I do have my relations with God and I am comfortable about that, but I hate organized religion. There is so much hate and bigotry in the church that I cannot stand to be around ‘those people.’

But I was raised in a good Baptist Church and most of the kids I grew up with are respected members of that church today. Deacons, organist and piano accompanists as well as active members in the old community are the same ones I grew up with. Not me! For some reason I felt excluded from the masses when I came home from the Navy and never really fit in again. Mostly of my making, I now realize, but still was real at the time.

So I do not go to church. Judy is Catholic, but does not attend services either. However sometimes I get a little nostalgic and want to visit the old church. So on Sunday I moseyed on down for a visit. Judy didn’t go because she’s Catholic, ya know.

When I came home I was sporting, not one, but two black eyes. She was very upset and wanted to know what happened. It wasn’t much I assured her. I was just trying to be helpful.

Ya see, we were sitting in the pews and were told to stand to sing a song. I noticed old fat Mrs. Snobbyass, in the pew in front of me, had her dress stuck in the crack of her ass, so I reached over and pulled it out. She gave a whelp, turned and punched me in the eye. Judy said she didn’t blame her, but wanted to know how I got the other one blackened.

I told her I was so upset and embarrassed for what I did, but figured she wanted her dress that way, so I put it back.

The right eye should be opening in a day or two.

The Outhouse

2012-01-28T15:39:00.000-05:00

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! Ya need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "Ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Ya there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! They ain't nuthin wrong with da outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain'ta stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! They ain't nuthin wrong with this here outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

Now that thar is ‘bout as mean a thing to do as throwing a sack full of puppies in the river.

A Kid Has The Answer

2012-01-27T13:06:00.000-05:00

A little boy got on the bus and set next to a man reading a book and noticed the man had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked him why he had his collar on backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father…’

The little boy said, ‘My dad doesn’t wear his collar like that.’

The priest looked up from his book and said, ‘I am a Father of many.’

The boy said, ‘My dad is the father of 4 boys and 4 girls and 2 grand-kids and he still doesn’t wear his collar backward.’

The priest, getting impatient, said, ‘I am the Father of hundreds’ and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while then leaned over and said, ‘Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.’

We've Lost Another Hero

2012-01-25T17:46:00.001-05:00

Channel 2 TV reported Senior Police Officer Gail Thomas, 46 and 15 year veteran, was killed Tuesday night by an alleged drunk driver while assisting another officer working a wreck near the Downtown Connector.

A Zone 5 officer arrived at 11 p.m. to handle a single car accident on the ramp to I-85 north from I-75 south. The officer called for additional units to assist with traffic control while the investigation was conducted.

Officer Thomas was the second officer to arrive. Shortly after exiting her vehicle, she was struck by an oncoming vehicle.

Officer Thomas had just started her watch when she was killed.

Police have charged the driver, Ms. Chasity Jones, of Stone Mountain, with first-degree vehicular homicide, driving under the influence and reckless driving.

The 22-year-old blew a .16 on the scene and refused consent for a state administered blood alcohol reading.

It’s sad, Peeps. We have lose another hero to drunk driving.

So senseless!!!